Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never deleting this app.

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

When I pack too much for a short trip.

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him