Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

Haha good job!!

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

#FunnyLife Insects

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.