Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
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I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now