Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
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WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
🚲+physics = winner
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Who says great literature is dead?
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
#winning
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…