Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.