Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
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[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[loses house key, starts a new life]
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.