Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”