Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.