Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

Me irl

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

😝

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message