Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

Ok, but like, how married are you?

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.