Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

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I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!


Why yes, lady with a cracked IPhone, I’d love it if you’d hold my baby.


My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.


My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.


When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn’t think I’m a vegan.


Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.


I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.


It’s important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, “Mr. Mean Old Man” and his wife, “Screamy”.


Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.


I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.