Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
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Mountain Goat : )
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn