@fro_vo

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

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@WornOutMommy

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

@DaddyJew

Why yes, lady with a cracked IPhone, I’d love it if you’d hold my baby.

@StorybookBlonde

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

@notalogin

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

@SamuelHLowe

When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn’t think I’m a vegan.

@myonlymizztake

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

@beefman138

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

@kellysdf

It’s important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, “Mr. Mean Old Man” and his wife, “Screamy”.

@CeCePleasants

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

@lylelaun

I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.