Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

i spent way too long on this

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!