Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now