wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
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You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
<—- homeless romantic
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.