Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.

It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1854899126141435904/pu/vid/avc1/576x1024/tn-MHhmbA0QsNyc9.mp4?tag=12

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.