Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
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HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms