Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
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If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?