Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.