Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.