Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard