Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

That’s amazing.

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.