Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
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Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
This is me 🤣🤣
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body