Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

When I pack too much for a short trip.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV