Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…