Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

watching gymnastics

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

Children of the corn 🌽

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”