Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
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It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Sell your car
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses