Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
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Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp