Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

I see your IQ test came back negative

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.