@LaziestCanine

Wife: we need to improve our home
Me: agreed
Wife: remodeling the kitchen should be top priority
Me: [crosses out “get more dogs”] obviously

You Might Also Like

@LuvPug

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

@ehchino

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

@Mr_Kapowski

Apparently people running at the airport are trying to catch a flight & TSA does not need me to intervene and stop an international criminal

@Shelts99

You had me at ‘I’ve had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend’

@sixfootcandy

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

@Works4Shots

How to get mustard out of your white shirt..
1) go to a store
2) buy a new shirt

@psybermonkey

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

@comer310

Bro: *on phone* Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. BABE!

Dude: You’re so whipped.

Bro: What? I just got her to rent Babe instead of The Notebook.