Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Wife: we need to improve our home
Wife: remodeling the kitchen should be top priority
Me: [crosses out “get more dogs”] obviously
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To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Apparently people running at the airport are trying to catch a flight & TSA does not need me to intervene and stop an international criminal
You had me at ‘I’ve had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend’
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
How to get mustard out of your white shirt..
1) go to a store
2) buy a new shirt
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Bro: *on phone* Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. BABE!
Dude: You’re so whipped.
Bro: What? I just got her to rent Babe instead of The Notebook.