We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
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Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
i meant to share this earlier
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it