WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
You Might Also Like
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word