Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby