Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
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My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers