Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
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Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”