wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
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My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
They also CAN sing✌️
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true