Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

(Jupiter –

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

mariah carrie

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song