Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is