Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot