wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
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Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.