Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.

#Caturday

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird