Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

I could NOT have put it better myself.

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors