Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.