WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
You Might Also Like
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.