Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

Wife: this is how monsters are made

Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.

we only have two cats.

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.