Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

Great Canadian literature.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.