WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
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I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
first you must answer his riddles
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Every photo I’m tagged in
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!