Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.