Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

dril cadence

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

Same post same

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”