Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

Windchimes

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

Mmmm canned fish.

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me