Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.

JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.