Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
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[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
This is not me but this is me
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I’m hunting wabbits…
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
saw this in a dream
