Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
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Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will