Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

And they lived apathetically ever after.

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave