Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

Hmmmmm

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.