Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
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me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Make me look younger
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
When I grow up, I want to be 16
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.