WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
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put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Pigeon open mic night.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL