Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

termite twitter scares me

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

Am I having a stroke?

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

i’m sure it’s fine

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way