Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

💀💀

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.