Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see