Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

Who called it baking and not making love

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.