Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
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[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was
Guys, I found it.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
not seeing the problem
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.