Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

Me: How was dinner?

Husband: Good!

Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?

Husband: …

*Next night*

Me: How’s dinner?

Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!

Me: Don’t patronize me.

Husband: *sigh*

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.