Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
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My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
😂💯
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
What my back needs
A Short Story.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.