Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

👍

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

How do you milk an almond?

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.