WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
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Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
