WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
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Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Feels like there should be a middle ground
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great