Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

shit just got real

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them