Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

journal

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??