Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

Got a light

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?